I’m sharing this poem that I wrote and some photos I edited to commemorate the passing of my beloved Auntirene.  She lived a quiet, small life that could easily go unnoticed but the impact she had on my life was monumental.  Her quiet strength and patience with those around her are qualities that I admired.   She had a very close relationship with my mother, Ila, which benefited me as a child and helped me appreciate her long after my mother passed away.

I wrote this poem right after I spoke to her on the phone.  She was in hospice care and in a relatively pain-free fog with morphine, so I’m not sure how much she got of what I said; she couldn’t communicate.  After hanging up the phone, I was so torn up with emotions knowing that sometime between that day and a few days she would die.  The tears flowed and I felt confused and numb, and for some reason, I just felt like I had to write.  So I did.

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AUNTIRENE

By Carol L. Loveless                                                                        (copyrighted April 14, 2016)

 

Her name started out as a child who blended the words “aunt” and her actual name “Irene”

The name stuck with the endearment of fond memories and love.

That is her name and always will be, for me.

 

My second mom is about to pass out of this life and into eternity.

She was my refuge from hurt and confusion.

Her warm secure embrace rocked me gently as her soft voice lulled me to peace.

She brought joy and fun in her crafty way

With glue, glitter, sequences, paint, and Styrofoam balls

She brought my imagination to life and a sparkle to celebrations

Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter times

I remember the handmade decorations beautifully set out to enhance the occasions

“Did you make that lamp, that bunny, that plate?”

“Wow, Auntirene, you’re so talented.”

And loving

And patient

And kind

 

How did you put up with all that teasing and poked-at by you husband?

Sometimes it seemed so belittling,

and yet I still saw you smile in your gentle way.

The pain of losing him seemed to make you lose your way.

We never really know how connected we are to someone until they are gone.

And then all those times you couldn’t tolerate the way he

Told you what to do

Complained about how you did it

Was abrasive when it wasn’t necessary

All those seem to fall away and instead you remember the way he

Took care of you when you were ill

Ensured that you were safe and secure

Worked alongside you as you built your dream garden.

And oh my how talented you were in bringing your yard to life

To flourish

To thrive

To give beauty

An external personal expression of your heart.

 

I’m sorry you had so much pain throughout your life:

The rheumatism

The painful aches and pains and treatments

So many different treatments

Gold, really, did that work?

It only made you more precious and softened him to your needs.

Is that what it takes sometimes to make somebody change?

But change he did.

I actually LIKED the guy as I aged with you

I could see why you loved him so much,

Because he sure did adore you.

His quirky sense of humor

Incessant jokes

Challenges – how the heck did he beat me at tennis anyway!

Dang.

He certainly made life interesting

Entertaining

I know it hurt when he was gone.

But I wished you hadn’t died with him.

Your sparkle faded

And it seemed like you just waited until it was your turn

And then the health problems got worse

And your urgency to join him seemed to grow more desperate

You tried to put on a happy face for those around you

You tried to make life more interesting

Senior centers

Reading

Grandkids

Visiting family

Phone calls

I enjoyed the few phone calls and visit we had after he was gone.

It was never enough

Looking back, don’t we wish we could change that?

I do.

Distance does not make the heart grow fonder,

It just puts more distance between you and time eeks away

Until there is no time left.

So now we wait.

While the drugs place you in a fog so you can’t feel the pain

Can’t feel the time

Can’t feel the moment

Can’t feel

Waiting to die.

Time slows down as the years

Months

Weeks

Days

Hours

Minutes

Seconds

…Wait

 

Can you still hear me?

Are you remembering?

What do you remember?

Do you remember me?

Can you remember holding me in your arms?

Do you remember teaching me

Art

Cooking

Patience

Love?

 

“Thank you” are not enough words

“I love you” is still not enough

These are said for me and for my family:

My mom (your sister) and my sister.

You were there for us even when he didn’t want us there.

You took care of us when my mom couldn’t

Thank you for that support

Thank you for showing us that goodness in this world is bigger than I realized.

That it lies in those who are willing to open their arms and accept the burdens that come with love.

All loves’ tears

All loves’ needs

All loves’ joys

All loves’ pain

 

I hope you leave this world knowing that you made a difference in my life.

You were so special to me

My mom, your sister,

My sister

You will forever be my Auntirene.

I say your name with tenderness and love and respect.

 

Go in peace.

It’s finally time.

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I sent this poem to a few family members, including Auntirene’s daughter.  She was so moved that she decided to read it to her later that day.  Shortly after she read it, my special aunt passed on to eternity.  She is finally at peace and whole again.

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I edited some old photos of her with my mother and her late husband, Eddie.  I used Adobe Lightroom and Photoshop to clean them up and bring them back to life as best I could.  I didn’t remove all of the aged damage as the process is too lengthy, but they definitely have marked improvements.